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What not to say to somebody with dementia
Words can be helpful and uplifting, but also hurtful and frustrating depending on the situation. Here, we look at some words and questions to try to avoid when talking to a person with dementia.
For a person living with dementia, language and communication can become more difficult over time. The type of difficulties a person will face as dementia progresses will be different for each individual.
The type and stage of the person's dementia will also be a factor. While the person living with the condition may have difficulties with finding the right word, the words that other people use are important too.
Good communication can be key to helping the quality of life for the person with dementia. Here are a few of the words and questions it may be best to avoid in conversation.
7 things to avoid saying to somebody with dementia
1. 'Remember when...?'
While it can be tempting to try and jog the memory of somebody living with dementia, this kind of question may highlight the fact that the person has memory problems. It can also sometimes feel like the person is being tested.
This can be a frustrating or painful experience, and there’s also no evidence that prompting the person in this way will help them to recall or hold on to memories. It can be pleasant and comforting to talk about the past, however, it’s usually more helpful to lead the conversation and allow the person to join in.
Try this instead:
Instead of posing a question, try leading with ‘I remember when…’. That way, the person can search their memory calmly without feeling embarrassed, then join in if they like.
2. 'I've just told you that'
It can be difficult answering the same question several times, especially when you are trying to keep frustration or upset from your voice.
However, reminding the person that you have just answered their question will not help them retain the information for next time, it is likely to just remind them of their condition. This can be distressing for you both. Bear in mind, that for them, it is likely to feel like the first time they have asked the question.
Try this instead:
Try to remember that the person cannot help repeating themselves. It is important for them to feel heard and understood.
Answer repeated questions calmly and patiently, with an even tone of voice. If you feel the need, take a break, and remove yourself from the conversation for a while.
3. 'Your brother died 10 years ago'
A person living with dementia may forget about a past bereavement or ask for somebody who has died. Reminding them of a loved one's death can be very painful, and they may react as though hearing the news for the first time all over again.
How to respond to these types of difficult questions will vary for different people in different circumstances, however, it's always important to show sensitivity and minimise any distress.
Try this instead:
For some people, encouraging them to talk about the person they are asking about can be comforting. Distraction techniques can be useful, although try not to avoid the question if they keep asking, as this can cause the person to feel more anxious.
Find out how the person is feeling, sometimes asking about a particular family member or friend is due to the person having an unmet need, such as wanting comfort or reassurance.
4. 'What did you do this morning?'
Avoid asking too many open-ended questions about the past, as it could be stressful for a person with dementia if they can’t remember the answer. While it might seem polite to ask somebody about their day, it’s better to focus on what’s happening in the present.
Try this instead:
Instead of asking them about their day, speak briefly about your day and give them time to ask you questions about it.
They might then offer information about what they have done. Talk to them about the present and use items in the environment such as photos or ornaments to stimulate conversation.
5. 'Do you recognise me?'
It can be distressing when somebody with dementia doesn’t recognise you, especially if you have a close relationship with them. Remember that it is likely to be upsetting for them to not recognise people around them too.
Asking the person if they know who you are can make them feel guilty or anxious if they don't remember or offended if they do.
Try this instead:
The way you greet somebody with dementia might change depending on the stage of their condition – judge for yourself but keep it friendly. A warm hello could suffice, or it may help to say your name and your relationship to them each time.
6. 'Let’s have a cup of tea now, then after that we can go for nice walk and get lunch and something else to drink in that café you like next to the big church in town.’
Long, complex sentences can be difficult to grasp for somebody with dementia. It's difficult to process several ideas at once as cognitive abilities slow down, so it's better to give directions or instructions one step at a time.
Try this instead:
Use short, simple sentences as much as possible. Avoid speaking too much in loud or busy environments, and wait until you have the person’s full attention before you start. During a conversation, give the person enough time to process what you are saying.
7. 'I'll just help you use your little spoon there, love?'
‘Elderspeak’ - which can involve talking in a high-pitched voice, using words like ‘love’ or ‘deary’, and generally speaking to the person like they are a child - should be avoided. This can be patronising and infantilising for a person with dementia.
Try this instead:
Always remember the person behind the dementia. It’s fine if the person needs you to speak slower than usual, but try to keep your tone of voice the same as with anyone else.
Some people may like being called ‘love’ or ‘dear’, but unless you know the person it is usually best to use their name instead. This helps keep their dignity intact.
This article was first published in 2017 and most recently updated in January 2024.
Carers: looking after yourself
Supporting a person with dementia can be challenging. Looking after yourself is important for both you and the person you are supporting.
Carolyn
saysAnette Gordon-Head
saysTeri May
saysJohn Corbett
saysCarolyn Bueno
saysHelen
saysMichelle
saysBetty
saysMrs V Soar
saysDavid Stephens
saysPeter Harding-Roberts
saysThanks for your comment, Peter.
We agree that words like ‘demented’ or ‘senile’ are outdated and should not be used. They disempower people with dementia by making them seem passive, childlike, or worthy of pity. This is something we covered in a previous blog post about spotting and challenging negative language about dementia in the media: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/how-spot-and-challenge-negative-language-dementia-media
However, cognitive impairment does not encompass all of the symptoms a person with dementia may experience, such as changes in mood and behaviour, and problems with coordination. Dementia also gets worse over time, whereas a person with cognitive impairment may not get worse – they may even get better. This is because dementia is caused by certain diseases in the brain, whereas cognitive impairment has many causes: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/mild-cognitive-impairment-mci
People with dementia often tell us that having a diagnosis, and knowing their symptoms are more than cognitive impairment, helps them to plan ahead and come to terms with the fact that they will get worse over time.
We hope this is informative for now, Peter – but if you have further questions about dementia, please contact our expert advisers on 0333 150 3456. More details about the support line, including opening times over the Bank Holiday weekend and other methods of contact, are available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
Alzheimer’s Society
Carys Tamlyn
saysPeter
saysE.k
saysRachel Pearson
saysHi Rachel,
We're very sorry to hear about your dad, it sounds like such a difficult situation to be in. Please know that you aren't alone and we're here for you if you need support.
You can always call our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will listen to you and provide specific information, advice and support that's relevant to your situation. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours and other methods of contact) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You may also benefit from joining our online community, Talking Point. Here, people affected by dementia share their experiences and offer advice to others going through similar situations. You can browse topics within the community or sign up for free: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-online-community
We hope this helps, Rachel. Please do call our support line if you need to.
Alzheimer's Society website team
Sarah
saysCarmel Macmillan
saysMy Mum has moderate Alzheimer’s and is well looked after at home with carers. In the past 6 months she has grown more agitated over the house she is in not being her own. She is angry that no one will take her to her own house. How do you handle such a situation without getting her more agitated?
Gracey
saysAJ
saysMy mom is in the later stages of dementia. She was speaking a little bit about 3 weeks ago then started only babbling. We can’t communicate with her. What does this mean?
Alisha Merriman
saysMy husband will tell my dad with dementia that he doesn’t like it when my dad stands in front of the tv or walks up behind him. This causes my dad to apologize and pout and walk away. What can I do?
Monalisa
saysAsk your husband to build his own man cave and remind him about good and bad karma .
Kym
saysWe are trying to keep a family member at home with I would say mid stages of Dementia , I.e she still wants to bathe, and dress herself ( with reminders and assistance) We have people staying during the day to assist in getting these things accomplished and make sure she gets at least a couple meals. In her mind helpers are there to visit and go on outings. We can’t get much housework done because she gets upset and won’t allow it. My question is it is getting to the point where she needs someone at night for her safety. And sometimes she does not want the day person present. How do we explain why we are there? It cannot be to help her, she does not think she needs any help. Any suggestions are appreciated. Especially how to bring in the evening/night shift.
Hi there, Kym - thanks for getting in touch.
It sounds like you'd benefit from talking with other people affected by dementia for advice and tips. We have a dedicated online community called Talking Point where you can correspond with others who have been or are currently in similar situations. It's the ideal place to share experiences, advice and offer support. You can browse the conversations in the community, or sign up to become a member: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on… It's free to use, and open day or night.
Alternatively, you can call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak directly with one of our trained dementia advisers. They are here to listen to you, understand your situation and provide you with support. More details about the support line (including opening hours) are available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this is helpful, Kym.
Alzheimer's Society website team
Colleen
saysHi i was reading your pist , my dad needs 24 hour care living with dementia can i ask where or how you found someone to do that? Was it a cna? Or nurse or just a person
Kym
saysHi Colleen, we live in a very small community and these are people that have been recommended by others that we know or some of the caregivers we know. None of them are licensed personnel.
Lindsey
saysIn my experience suggesting that the people are there because THEY need help/companship/ a place to stay is a good way of making the situation more palatable.
Billie Lynn Callahan
saysHello, my 80 yo mother has late stages Alzheimer's. Up until Aug 23, she was still very clear, driving with monitoring, and able to speak. She had aneurysm surgery and now it's so bad I don't know what to do. She is completely dependent and a 100% different person. She can barely dress herself and when she does it's not the normal dressing.. it's 3 shirts and no pants type thing. She has lived with me for 3 years. What my question is, is, how else can I say "you can't" without using those words.. she is becoming increasingly depressed not being able to just go like she did just a short time ago. She is also leaning to the left terribly and her speech is almost mom existent.. she also is telling (the best she can) family members she doesn't want to live with me and that I'm mean to her.. I am and never would be mean with her.. I love her with all my heart and soul.. is this part of the disease??? I think she thinks I'm mean because I'm the "you can't" girl now.. any advise will be greatly appreciated
Hello Billie,
We're really sorry to hear about your mother, it sounds like you are both going through a difficult time.
We recommend calling our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak to one of our trained dementia advisers. They can listen to you and give information, advice and support specific to your mother's situation. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also like to join our online community, Talking Point. Here, carers and other people affected by dementia share their experiences and can provide advice and support to others in similar situations. You can browse the community, or sign up for free here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on…
We hope this helps, Billie.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Ammi
saysSorry for your situation
It can take a bit of time to rethink how to phrase things but try not to be "you can't" try to praise what she got right maybe even help her think she's helping you. Look at yourself in the mirror when you say "you can't" your loving worry might look unintentionally mean
All of us, most things in life we really need reassurance
"Oooh you got a good set of shirts here, hmm maybe we'll choose some pants too, that's right, good choice. Hmm maybe this shirt, it looks so pretty on you"
You can both make sure you blame the illness not each other
Each time there's difficulty then reset. Make a point of sitting holding hands/ hugging/ whatever she's comfortable with
"Oh, I'm sorry, darling. I am just so worried about keeping you warm with the best clothes, I want to keep you safe, you deserve the best"
You can say with gentle smiles & nods
"I know it's hard" praise her courage or whatever things she felt good about herself for. It's OK to say it's hard for you too with hugs but you love her so much you want to work out how to do the best for her like she does for you
She's so lucky to have you x
RT
saysHi,
I am hoping for some help. I’ve not seen my grandparent for over a year due to Covid and also distance, I travel to see her. I understand from family members that their Alzheimer’s is getting worse and I am anxious about seeing them for the first time. I am not sure what to talk about or how I should be around them. I think I’m working myself up but does anybody have any tips that will greatly help ease of conversation? E.g taking photos I have?
Thanks
Hello there, thanks for your comment.
It's understandable to feel anxious if you've not seen your grandparent for a long time. It wasn't clear from your message if they're living at home or in a care home., but we have some information on care home visiting here that you may find helpful either way - particularly the section on 'Your reunion':
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/coronavirus/dementia-care-hom…
Your idea of taking along some photos sounds great, and talking about earlier times you've enjoyed together can help keep the conversation cheerful.
If you'd like to talk to somebody for advice before or after your visit, you can call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. There are some more details about the support line here (including opening hours): https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
Best wishes,
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Lorn
saysBe as you always would, but slower, I care for my father at home as he has brain damage and dementia, if he's having a bad day looks confused I always make sure I call him dad and try to remember that it take about ten seconds for my sentence to sink in, I ask him if I an turn TV or radio off (it's distracting for us bith of we are trying to have a conversation, I ask him about old times, they flow better, enjoy your visit z
Jenny
saysI am looking for advice on how to address the future with my father who has Alzheimer's -- early stages to mid now I think. We need him to acknowledge that there will be a need for care in the future, but he does not. He talks about learning to do new things for himself that he cannot learn to do since his ability to stay on task is already quite poor. (e.g. cooking, organising his home.) He is a hoarder, and lives in a house that is highly unsuitable for having dementia in or bringing carers in, e.g. fall dangers, unsanitory bathrooms, generally poor standard of decoration, overwhelmed with his stuff, no proper living room, chairs for guests, etc. The house needs organising and modernising including plumbing, electrics and redecoration. He can easily afford to get this done, but all his life he has done any such work himself. If he acknowledged what the future almost certainly will bring, we could start preparing the home for that time. I'm worried that if he refuses to engage, almost everything will be against what his wishes would have been - i.e. losing his home, losing his independence, spending all of his considerable savings on residential care. When we talk to him about any of this, he does sometimes engage, but never gets to the point where he agrees to anything -- he just says he will do it himself. Then by a couple of days later he has forgotten. Often he does not remember he has had an Alzheimer's diagnosis. He is at the point now where he does need meals preparing by someone regularly. He loses weight when he is on his own, which indicates he's not eating well. He suffers from dizziness and is often apathetioc to the pint of not dressing and just sitting watching TV all day. Does anyone have any advice on how to communicate with him about this?
Hi Jenny,
We're very sorry to hear about your father, this must be a really difficult time for you.
For specific advice on your father's situation, we'd recommend calling our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456, where you can speak to one of our trained dementia advisers who can offer information and support. More details about the support line (including opening hours) are available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also benefit from joining our online community, Talking Point, where carers and other people affected by dementia can share their experiences and receive peer support. This could be a great place for you to get helpful suggestions from other people who have been in similar situations: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on…
We also have some information on understanding denial and lack of insight, which you might find useful. You can read it here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/help-dementia-care/understand…
We hope this helps, Jenny. Please do call our support line when you need advice.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
NBTxReviewer
saysThere is absolutely NOTHING wrong with saying "honey", "dear" or I love you. This is false.
Whoever came up with this ridiculous comment is clearly undereducated and not very compassionate.
Diane Coffey
saysIt is patronising when used by a person unknown to you. Obviously different with a family member.
It is disrespectful. I remember being annoyed when my audiologist called me lovey. I had never met her before.
Chris
saysIf you feel disrespectful at somebody using normalised, accent based tics like "love" -literally the most positive word in the English language- it's an issue with you,not that person. Try learning a bit more about the world and how people speak.
Ammi
saysI think the people who say don't use endearments mean well
But
People who are ill are still individuals & I think the blanket definitely don't use endearments is as bad as risking being patronising by using them
Try & find out what the individual likes
But I guarantee the ones being criticised for using endearments are usually the sweet people you want working in care & it is just the icing on the cake if someone tries to check what the individual prefers. Needing care can be a time of vulnerability when that sweetness suddenly feels really reassuring
& I just appreciate anyone who's trying to get it right